:: Conjoined Cognition ::

Drella and Knitty's Running Conversaton
:: welcome to Conjoined Cognition :: bloghome | contact ::
[::..archive..::]
::..recommended..::
:: knitty.
:: Drella.
:: Drella's LastFM
:: Hello, ZeStrokes!
:: Deerhunter
:: The Black Lips
:: Guided By Voices
:: Mary Prankster
:: If You Possess Virtue Then You Are Its Victim.
:: Needle Exchange
:: Gawker
:: Nerve
:: Alternadad

:: Friday, February 27, 2004 ::

All Systems Down

Hey sister!

My phone lines are still down, so the DSL doesn't work and I can't get online! I'm blogging briefly from work to let you know.

The Spinner-Biker guy is supposed to come over Sat or Sun to fix the phone wiring- Verizon wanted $91 for the first half hour, and $45 per half hour afterwards. I knew there had to be a simpler, cheaper way!!!!

Hope the job is going well!

Talk with you soon, eh?

Love you!

-Knitty
:: jennetic 1:24 PM [+] ::
...

:: Thursday, February 19, 2004 ::
arg, i had no clue sitting in a chair for 7.5 hours in a day could be so exhausting! training at the new job is going well, but it is a tad boring. it'll be better when we aren't moving along at a snail's pace.

friday is once again nearly upon us...the stalker phoned last night at 2 minutes til midnight and when the roommate informed him that i was asleep (i wasn't, but i wasn't about to run downstairs in my jammies while she and her man were down here) he *get ready* hung up on her. wtf is that about?! he'll get a good talking to tomorrow night.

last weekend i decided that this was definitely gonna be a friends thing and i mean to stick to it. i think. this all very fucking confusing.

i have no idea what i want or what i am doing with this, other than rolling with it. shit, if it's good enough for the oasis boys it's good enough for me, eh. got the cheque from mum today--she wrote me a lovely card. thank god...MONEY!!!!!!!!!! tomorrow i'm going on a spree--good razors and bubble bath and lightbulbs. and i'm being serious. maybe even some damn groceries.

god, i'm really tired. this week has gone tolerably quickly and i'm excited about tomorrow--whatever happenes between us, i enjoy my time with the stalker enormously. the best friend and the queer are wary and maybe i'm the freak. i just find this entire thing intoxicating, to say the least. i haven't looked forward to my weekends this way in a long long time.

ok my dear, i'm off to bed. i hope things are going wellishly for you, hope the man is faring well--tell him i'm pulling for him when you talk to him again. i love you best.
:: Mme. M 8:22 PM [+] ::
...

:: Friday, February 13, 2004 ::
Fecking Hell

Hi Drella! Congrats on the job interviews! Things will work out, believe it! They will! Let me know as soon as you know, yes?

I just did a LONG write up on my blog, although you know all if it already. Still.

It's now midnight, and the Man is still fucking around the house. He has gone from the Nod stage (shortly after shooting up) to the Wired stage. He will be here for a while. I don't know if we should even bother with the ER. He will either fall out, as he already hasn't slept since yesterday around 8 am- which puts him at being up for 40 hours now, short deathish nap excluded- or he will be incredibly wired and will be climbing the walls at the ER. I am better that he will fall out soon. He's promising again to get moving. I hope so. To be honest, I am extremely exhausted. This whole thign sucks.

So, sister, please do a chant for me. I need the energy and wits to get the Man to the ER and also tell them what has been happening. The Man smartly noted that they are just as likely to take me in as him. I am pale and stressed and a little crazed myself. But of course, he's joking (I hope!!!) and I'm sure that I'm pretty much the rule for Persons Accompanying Junkies to the ER. I can't imagine anyone comes in cheerful and chipper and in good mental health saying "Here's my loved one, who has been killing himself daily and creating huge chaos everywhere. Thanks for your help! Hidy-ho, I'm outta here!" Or maybe they have more sense than I and have long since booted the junkie out of the house, and is no longer worrying about anything.

Anyway, I should go. Try to get the Man into the car, again. I'm really tired of bitching and complaining about it. It's past time for this nightmare to end, either with the Man in the ER or with me hanging with the Best Friend or the Artist.

Enough bitching. Good luck tomorrow!!!!! I will follow you in your turning of the tide, ayt?

:: jennetic 12:07 AM [+] ::
...

:: Thursday, February 12, 2004 ::
yesterday i chanted for the first time in ages.

i said to myself, "drella, grrl, everything seems to be looking up. you got an apartment and it's cheap as hell and not a dump. you've managed to not only survive the sarge debacle but come out on top with no scarring whatsoever. there's someone new who, if nothing else, is entertaining you to no end, and you're going back to school with the blessing and financial backing of the parental unit. all i need is a job. the only thing holding me back is unemployment. without that, none of this gonna work out, including the stalker, because if i freak out and have a breakdown and have to move home, well...that's the end of that.

i paced around and thought and racked my brains and finally i began chanting, thinking about all the things kate said about chanting for something you need. well, i need a job. badly.

so i chanted. i chanted while i cleaned and washed the dishes. i chanted in the shower. i chanted for a good long time. and guess what? today i got not one but 2 interviews. one of them is tomorrow, and the actual job orientation begins monday, so i'll find out pretty quickly if i get it.

i think i'm gonna get it. i have to get it, you know? i'm going to ask the queer for $20 so i can go get an i.d. on saturday, and ask the roommate if i can bum $20 for bus fare. and dad is sending me another $20 tomorrow, so i'll have some food $. this is going to work. i know it.

tomorrow is friday--know what that means? i'm counting on a phone call tomorrow. you know who from. i'm waiting for it. i'm dying for it. i feel as if i have the upper hand when i'm with him because he's so obviously uncomfortable--i mean, it took him 4 tries on the phone before he could collect the courage to talk to me, and i pretty much forced him to. that has to mean something, yeah? or not. well, perhaps i'm setting myself up for serious disappointment but dammit knitty, i like him and this is way too much fun to just blow off, you know?

anyway, just wanted to tell you my good news--i think it's good. not getting this job is not even an option as far as i'm concerned. hopefully, in a few days i will be employed. i'm counting on it, in fact. things are going to work out--and not just for me--things are going to get better for you too, i promise.

i love you, knitten. call me soon.

i'm out.
:: Mme. M 6:34 PM [+] ::
...

:: Wednesday, February 11, 2004 ::
i've been sitting here for hours onling looking for jobs. i'm tired of waiting for KS to get me something new--tomorrow i'm actually going up to carrick, near my almost-home to apply at some places. yup, at this point my pride is dead. i keep telling myself--doesn't matter how shitty my next job is, cuz i'm going to SCHOOL soon! in fact, tomorrow i'm also sending my extra copy of my school stuff to the 'rents so they have a copy, too. s'only right since they're footing the bill--i hope.

at any rate, fastfood will be worth it if it's close to home. foodland too, even. it would be nice to work close to home. i haven't had that in ages. commuting does get a tad bit tiresome.

so the queer is being bitchy lately. fuck me, it's not my fault he's making stupid choices. mind, maybe this isn't why he's being a cunt on fire, but jesus. i'm not picking up the phone for a few days when his number comes up because all he does is piss me off.

i'm feeling restless and useless and (as always) cold. i have $9 to my name right now. literally. fuck, poverty blows.

i know, i know, i have little to say that's of any interest today. what can i tell you? the fact that sarge e-mailed me yesterday just made me laugh, and not in a nice, silly or giddy way. i'm waiting for friday night, for the phone call, for the warmth of the stalkers apartment and the dark of his eyes and that way he has of just staring at me as if i'm an organism he's never laid eyes on before.

i'm so frustrated at not being employed-at this point my entire tax refund is gone because of bills that we're trying to pay off, my rent for this month AND my sec. deposit. fuck kelly services. they're the wrench in my system--everything else is trying to move forward but they just aren't coming through for me and this PISSES ME OFF.

well, that's enough of my ranting for now. i think i'm going to take a nap, or go for a walk, because my frustration level is off the goddamn charts right now. fuck it.

i'm out.
:: Mme. M 5:47 PM [+] ::
...

:: Monday, February 09, 2004 ::
well whoop dee fuckin' doo-


sarge finally called today. i was sleeping so he left a message which was basically, "hey it's me, i am sooooooooooo sorry, blah blah blah, haven't had a chance to call, bullshit bullshit bullshit, i'll be in touch". yeah, he is sorry--a sorry fuckin' excuse for a person. be funny if/when i actually pick up the phone when he calls back and i lay into him. but for now i have bigger fish to fry.


the therapist is well pleased at my progress--school, my own place, aa meetings. we had a really great session. the only crappy thing in my life right now is lack of cash i am flat out fucking skint. but you know. that'll change, too. i have the stalker and his weirdness to occupy my thoughts-- i've decided that i'll not return his calls unless he leaves a message--i'm fairly certain that next time he calls and i pick up he'll actually talk. let me state again for the record that i'm pretty surprised he phoned last night. as i was leaving he said, 'i'll give you a call later in the week kiddo'. i didn't think he meant within the next 12 hours. curiouser and curiouser. i have a good time with him. he's really easy to talk to--once we begin there's no stopping us, it's a rant-fest and it feels damn good. dunno where it's headed, maybe nowhere fast, but i'm going to enjoy it because it sure beats sitting home, you know?

well, i just wanted to post for the record that i finally got a call from #1 and that my reaction was one of contempt. pft. whatever, sarge. go fuck yrself.

i'm out.

[last minute edit]

have i told you how the stalker has dark brown sad irish eyes? i swear to fuck, knitty, i can smell the blood a mile away. or maybe i can just smell the booze. at any rate, i now realize that if i ever do settle down for good, chances are it'll be with another mick. irish blood gets my blood pumping in a big way. like many irish his eyes have a sadness--i guess its a bit like the way the welsh are said to be surrounded by melancholia. i find it sexy as hell that his family still calls him 'paddy'. i just love the hell out of that. alright. i'm really out this time.

[/edit]
:: Mme. M 9:13 PM [+] ::
...

my god, knitty one, i don't know how you are coping. i wish i could be there to help you through this. thank god for the man's parents--they are like angels, and i'm sure they think the same of you. regardless of what ultimately goes down, you will be alright and will make the decision that is correct for you and i will support you. i'm getting all weepy here on my end, thinking about how shitty this whole thing is, and that we both agree that the last thing to do is to let the parental unit in on what's going down in baltimore--they wouldn't understand it, my little knitten.

this weekend has been very fucking surreal, to say the least. so at 12 am friday/saturday i was knocking on the stalker's door. he answered it and invited me in. i sat on his futon. he sat on a chair about 3 feet from me and just stared and stared. finally i said to him, 'well are you just gonna stare at me all night, or do you wanna talk about something? maybe pop in that movie?'.


he was having a really difficult time talking to me. he finally blurted out that i have a neubauten tattoo on my breast and that he loved that, that my dreadies smell really fucking good, and (again) that i must have an i.q. of at least 200. flattery will get you everywhere with me and of course this was all very nice and made me all gooey inside. then he asked me if i would mind too much of we kissed and cuddled. i found this entirely to my liking.

now, i'm not going to lie. the stalker has his flaws. he's really...weird. not in a bad way. just a sort of quirky way. sort of like an australian film. or summat.

he's sarcastic and a bit biting but while you want to get mad he's also really goddamned funny. and i like it when he calls me 'sweetheart' and 'princess'. don't know why.

we established that this isn't a boyfriend/girlfriend' sort of thing. this is simply two single people hanging out. it's all good. it's certainly a diversion from ol' sarge, who by the way can kiss my fat white ass, as it has now been 2 weeks since he's phoned. the asshole.

i intend to enjoy myself with the stalker--once he found that i am indeed single now, he opened right up. he even called last night. i had to bolt out of there yesterday at 10:45 am as the queer was in the midle of a crisis--thank fuck i'd phoned him the night before--he wasn't home, he was busy having a knock down drag out fist fight with his boyfriend outside the eagle on the north side at the time, apparently. he came home and phoned me 12 times in one hour, between 3:15 and 4:05 am. then he got the brilliant idea to *-69 and in the morning he called the stalker's number, praying that i was there. that was pretty weird--having him wake me up and hand me the phone, and the queer on the other end begging me to get over there however i could, as soon as i was able.

for some reason he wouldn't explain to me why he needed me, just that he wanted me there.

so i took off and rode the bus for an hour, fearing all sorts of gruesome scenarios--he'd murdered his sweetie, they'd killed an intruder, his sweetie was killed in an accident...only to arrive and find him unshaven and shaky and needing many hugs while his boyfriend silently packed what he could and left for his parents' place.

the queer has been suffering from insomnia for weeks now so when he fell asleep at four pm and told me before he did so to wake him up at nine, i already knew i was spending the night there. i wasn't about to make him drive me home and wake up just so he could get home and not be able to fall back to sleep.

luckily he has many intersting things to watch--abfab, fight blub, the 'L' word, 28 days later, and the james dean bradfield interview he recorded off of showtime for me a week or two ago.

i fell asleep at around 5 am this morning. it is now 9:15. he woke me at 7, drove me home and headed to work.

is it wrong to say that i am flattered that in his time of need he called me? i hope not. arriving home, i've been researching apartments and have found several far less expensive places than the one i was supposed to be taking. i just a few minutes ago phoned and cancelled that appointment. i am hoping to make an appointment today to check out a small 1 bedroom in carrick that is a mere $375, utilities included. close to the south side and super cheap. i'm not worried about interiors--i can make any space accceptable. i will be bold and arrogant for a moment and brag that i certainly have a flair for decorating. of course, this is a matter of taste!

well, my back is screaming from exhaustion--i need sleep. this entry is long as hell and i'm too beat to check for typos. too bad.

i adore you knitty. i should be home tonight--if the stalker calls again i will ask him over here as he hasn't been, yet. so if you need me, hit mah didgets, yo.

i'm out; i need to be horizontal.
:: Mme. M 9:26 AM [+] ::
...

:: Sunday, February 08, 2004 ::
Weekend Update

Hi Drella! I'm laughing to myself as I review this blog. Holy fuck, we are both a mess right now!!

As mum used to say, This too shall pass.

The Man is very sick. His best friend came over yesterday and tried to talk to him. Then I joined him. The Man agreed to go into a 28-day rehab- we are hoping that he can get in tomorrow or Tuesday. I really, really hope this occurs, that his insurance will pay for it, that he goes into it and works it.

I came home late Friday night (after seeing my therapist again, to try to deal with this shite). All the lights were off, including the lights to the aquarium and the animal cages. This meant that the Man hadn't made it downstairs at all in the day. The lights were off upstairs as well. My heart dropped to the floor- I was afraid that I was going to find him dead. That he'd ODed or something

Last night he was vomitting. He's not in withdrawal yet- but he hasn't been able to take a shit in days. That's the junk, right? He had huge pain in his abdomen, and puked twice. What could he be puking? He's lost at least 10 pounds- his arms are tiny, and that was never the case before. He's not eating. I don't know what is going on. It's something besides withdrawal, though, because after he puked he was okay for a while. The withdrawal stuff is relentless until you're all the way through it. So is there an additional medical problem occurring?

Today I was out with the Artist and my Best Friend to lunch. The Man called, frantic. He said that he was really, really itichy. I pointed out that that was usual, right? No, he insisted that it was only normal while he high, but that he wasn't now high.

Really? I asked him if he was sick. He said No, but that the itching wouldn't stop. It's an End Stage for his other problem, he yelled. "I'm going to DIE!!!!!"

Well, I said, you might. (We've had this conversation a lot recently. He says that this will either kill him, or he'll end up in jail. This is one of the reasons why he wants to do the 28 day thing, or at least for now he says that he wants to do it.)

"I don't want to die!!!"

"Okay-- call your doctor. Tell him *everything*, especially about the heroin. See if you should go to the ER.

"I don't want to tell him about the heroin."

That's when I knew that he was okay, relatively speaking. By the time I made it back home, the Man was fast asleep. That was at about 3 pm today. It's now 9:40, and he still can't wake up. He drifts in and out of sleep. He's supposed to work tonight, but that's not happening. My god, he is a mess.

Keep your fingers crossed that he gets in somewhere very soon. If a place doesn't open by Wed., I'm kicking him out. He'll either go with me to an ER for detox and an inpatient stay, or he'll be out on his own. This is inhuman to deal with.

Sister, you would not recognize him if you saw him.

His parents and I went to an NA-alron meeting tonight. A woman there started to cry, saying that her daughter was sleeping all the time, that she didn't know what to do. I started crying too, and told her that I was going through the same thing. I pretty much cried the entire meeting, as did the other woman and a few others, including the Man's mom. His parents are so wonderful! Even if the Man doesn't make it, and I end up leaving, I will always have a fantastic bond with them.

His mom told me that if I had to leave, they would understand and fully support my decision. "Don't feel like you'll be letting us down, or that you're too far in to leave. You have to do whatever it takes to care for yourself." They took me out to dinner at the Bel Loc diner (my suggestion), and we just hung out and talked. I don't know what I do without them right now.

So, I've now gone on and on about my situation. What about you? Did you hang out with the Stalker? Did you have fun? Are things okay? What's up with the new apartment? What's going on in your life?

-knitty

:: jennetic 9:50 PM [+] ::
...

:: Friday, February 06, 2004 ::
Rainy Days

It is storming in Baltimore, Drella! It keeps going from rain to ice, to rain again. It's a big mess.

This is both literally and figuratively true.

I can deal with the disease. I can help the Man heal. But I don't think I can stick around for the addiction. I keep going warm from love to cold in aborhence. But overall, the scene is too much. I don't know what I'll find when I get home- will the CDs be gone? The TV? Will he be there? Will he be wired? Sick? Will he be arrested? He said something to his mom about his fear that the cops are coming to the house. Why? Did he do something? Or is he seeing/hearing things? Becoming paranoid?

It's too much, Drella. His addiction is huge! It will be elimimated from my life, either because the Man deals with it or because I leave. This crap cannot continue.

This is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever dealt with. The Man I know is not there- there is someone/something totally different in his place. He's petrified all the time- afraid to try to cop, afraid to go without. His body now turns on him within 12 hours- it's really horrific. It's much more being there- no movie can ever really depict it. I can't imagine how awful it must feel.

I'm out for now, sis. Wish me luck.
:: jennetic 4:21 PM [+] ::
...

:: Thursday, February 05, 2004 ::
3 am and i'm still wide awake. this isn't real insomnia-this is the coffee typing. i laid in my bed for hours and rationalized myself into a much better frame of mind, something i'm not often successful at. listen to this:

IF i get a new assignment by friday and it's along term one, i think i might actually try to stay here. with my calculations, the absence of alcohol in my life is going to free up a lOT of cash. i'll still be poor, but i might be able to hack it. plus, maybe i can get a new room mate, right? i just don't feel like going through the hassle of moving yet again, you know? if i can get employed quickly, my refund will pay for nearly all of my security deposit + 1 month's rent, i just need to not spend it. the only thing i really need is a new discman. what's that, $40? i think i can afford that. i have zillions of dishes and i even have a bit of furniture here. also, i think The Room Mate is planning on leaving the washer and dryer. the washer works fine, maybe at some point i can afford to get the dryer fixed. i actually have made a few friends over here, so maybe i can network and get a new roommate that way. i think if i've been able to survive The Room Mate i can survive pretty much anyone.


although i'd rather live down nearer e.carson, this is safer as far as temptation goes. i could really get into living here alone, if i could make it work. if i live alone i might be eligible for some help as far as utilites go. i would be FORCED to be responsible, which i need--i'm no spring chicken. maybe it's time for a crash course in reality, yeah?

all in all i'm feeling a whole lot more optimistic now than i was a few hours ago. these mood swings are really something, knitty. wild shit.

o, something else...if i get into school, i'll need to buy a table to practice on. if i live here alone, i could use what is now my room as the massage room. how cool would that be?! i'm gonna call The Landlord tomorrow, see what's up. see if she'll give me a break. i'm sure she would be happy to have me stay, as then she wouldn't have to come in and replace carpeting, etc. she's giving The Room Mate a hard time about her security deposit--if i tell her i'm interesting in staying, maybe she'll chill out a little bit. also, she cut darby and chris a break on rent, perhaps she'll lower mine for a few months if i tell her i'm trying to find a room mate. as my friend pam always says, it never, ever hurts to ask.

as usual, wish me luck, crank.

xoxoxo

~drella
:: Mme. M 3:26 AM [+] ::
...

:: Wednesday, February 04, 2004 ::
quick note:

i wrote a short and non-nasty e-mail to sarge simply stating that i accept that he's obviously lost interest and to let me know if he plans on coming to get his things. i sent it but his mailbox is full. this at least means that he hasn't been checking his mail, which makes me feel a little better--like maybe he really is just really preoccupied or summat. i dunno. i don't know why it made me feel better. i am a totally confused mess over this! i don't even know what i want to happen, aside from closure if it's over.

hrumph. my brain is my cross to bear as it never shuts the hell up. god i feel nauseated--so so so much coffee tonight. it's all i can taste. too much smoking, too.

something that might be good-my landlord asked heather to have me call her when heather told her she's leaving in 2 months--maybe she has a one bedroom. i really like her as a landlord--she's super cool and has let me slide quite a few times as far as being late and never charges me a fee. i'm sure if she has a place she'd work with me as far as a security deposit--she did with darby and chris. cross those needles for me, baby.

i'm feeling a bit better now. hey, guess what else? i got my catalogue for the school of massage therapy today. i'm pretty excited about that, only i need to find 2 people to write letters about my character--ack, who should i ask? i was thinking about asking heather, but i don't think she would know how? what do you suggest? do you think The Therapist would be a good person to ask, or is our relationship to 'impersonal'?

let me know your thoughts, yeah?

ok, i said quick note, so i'm out.
:: Mme. M 11:43 PM [+] ::
...

jesus fuck knitty, i'm sorry for your troubles. most of mine are emotional, while yours are real tangible problems. i don't know what to tell you. The Man sounds like he is in a very bad way indeed.

well in other news, today The Roommate told me that she's moving out in april. yay, more stress. i've had way too much caffiene tonight, the kind where it goes from being really fun to really jumpy, para, and just plain uncomfortable.

you're right about sarge's reaction--i hadn't thought about that but regardless i don't think he's going to call me back. i could be wrong. i don't know why it hurts this much--like i said, The Stalker is far more interesting to me. He hasn't called either--i'm beginning to think that my mind was using that as a buffer to the inevitable.

you know, i firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. maybe that's my crutch, i dunno. so i keep telling myself, this won't hurt for very long. this is nothing. i've been through far worse. it just sort of seems like everything is crashing down on me at once--no job, need to find a place to live, being treated like a pile of shit by someone i really thought highly of and even trusted...but again, your situation is a lot worse, if you'll excuse me for saying so. i don't know how you're coping. i just don't. as it is, i wish i could crawl into bed and never have to get up again.


i realized today that i hadn't taken my meds in almost a week--maybe that has something to do with this. i don't know what to think/feel--i'm extremely confused right now. i mean, even if sarge did call me, what would i say to him? it's true that this might be how i would react but at the same time i made it very clear to him that going more than 3 days without a phone call is a big no no, and frankly, i think that he was losing interest anyway, though that may not be true, that may be my paranoia again.

since i can't call him (and i wouldn't anyway if i came across a way to) i've been thinking about e-mailing him. actually i wrote one last night but i didn't send it. it was pretty scathing. i don't think that would really help matters. on one hand i'd like to let him know how i'm feeling but on the other hand a lot of other people would say, how can you demand otherwise after what you did? and i guess that they'd be right.

but you know, i did fuck up but at least i came clean. i can't believe he's treating me this way--it's pretty unexpected. at this rate, if he calls me in a week its going to be very awkward and most likely pointless--i'm filling up with a hatred i haven't felt in a very long time. even though i most likely hurt him two weeks ago, at this point i want to hurt him more. i want to make him feel as badly as i'm feeling, if not worse. unfortunately, it's pretty apparent to me that i cared more about him that vice versa so i don't think that hurting him is an option. i don't know. i'd at least like to have my final say. maybe i'll write him an e-mail tonight. i'll have to think on it.

well, i guess that's enough ranting for tonight. i wish i hadn't had so much coffee. i'm jumping out of my skin. this feels terrible. everything just feels terrible. with that, i'm out.
:: Mme. M 9:07 PM [+] ::
...

Hi Drella

Hullo sister. These are the days of shite, aren't they. I have to say regarding Sarge- he is doing exactly what you predicted. You said that if were you, you would stay away for a few weeks. I don't know if this is helpful or not. I suspect it's not...sorry...hopefully it is.

I agree with you that it is extremely cowardly to for him to act this way. Don't feel bad- we've all been surrounded by cowards. We're all cowards, too, at some point. But happily most of us realize it and act differently, yes? You don't need no steenky cowards!!!!

Meanwhile, I have the strangest life right now. I call the guy The Man on my blog, but that doesn't seem appropriate for here. What's a good anonymous title for him, do you think? Anyway, he is a wired junky. I have never, ever heard of anyone getting wired from that crap, but there it is. You'd think he was on speed or cocaine or something. There is a good side- he is obsessively cleaning the kitchen, the oven, the bedrooms, the bathroom, my car, his car, and now the yard. But mostly he is acting badly, wired, out of control. Last night he picked up a homeless man and drove him around for an hour or two, telling this guy his life story. He started to tell a job counsellor his life story today, but I cut him off. He's just going non-stop, very manic (and not your MSP kinda manic, either).

Today he is getting sick. He's decided that it's too stressful to cop and he's going to bite the bullet and withdrawal. This shit is so surreal. I just wonder whether he'll ever return to normal. It's going to be a long, long time. I don't know, sister. We do get caught up with the strangest people!!!!!

Well, take heart. Recognizing the problem is the first step towards solving it. Enjoy your MSP and feel better. I will knit away at some point, and sooner or later we'll both feel better. This too shall pass, eventually.
:: jennetic 2:12 PM [+] ::
...

there's nothing nice in my head, the adult world took it all away...

not feeling so hot today, knitty. feeling a bit shit, actually. i started another blog here which is basically my CoR blog. i need a place to rant about richey, you know? so, there it is.

my teeth are killing me. i'm cold. sarge is obviously beyond finished with me- i haven't spoken to him in a week nor seen him in close to 2. i can't tell if my feelings are hurt or if it's just my ego screaming but something fucking hurts.

the fucker could at least be an adult about it and not just skulk off. shades of Dickhead all over again. fucking assholes. i must really ask for this shit, because this seems to be a recurring theme in my life. or maybe i just attract ball-less wonders. all the same, it doesn't feel very good.

well, i found another blog here that i really grokked with. feel like i know the guy, you know? makes things a bit easier to bear. i wonder what's wrong with me today. i wish i could just sleep. you know, my boy was asked in an interview once what animal he'd like to be and his answer was 'anything that hibernates.'

christ, i can grok to that'un too. well, it's after midnight, ought to try to sleep. i've been reading "Everything"(Simon Price) again. can't explain why, but it gives me comfort--at least the first half.

i love you knitty. more soon.
xxx
:: Mme. M 12:14 AM [+] ::
...

:: Monday, February 02, 2004 ::
Another Feb 1st gone, my prayers are with you, Richey.
well, spent all day today on ForeverDelayed and watching Manics vids. i really need to approach E. about getting my collection back from her-- i really miss my interviews and such. it's been a nice day though--i forgot how enjoyable it can be to just chill and watch videos and stuff. now, if only it weren't so cold...

sarge hasn't called me. i'm pretty sure he's not going to which is fine cuz to be fair i'm far more interested in The Stalker, whom i might add phoned once more and hung up on saturday and has been silent since. i don't know who he thinks he's fooling--now i have his address AND his phone number, the silly sod.

of course i know myself well enough to know that it's more the excitement of not knowing if/when he'll call...

since sarge seems to have lost interest i have to admit i've fallen smack back into manics-obsession which is fine with me. keeps me occupied, i suppose. there are a lot of people who say quite simply, 'richey's dead, that's all there is to it' but i just don't feel as if i can form an opinion on it either way. i want him to be alive even if for no other reason that it means that there is hope that he might contact his family again. after all this time, they're still waiting for him to come home. i desperately want that, for them as well as for him.

i want him to be alright, safe, happy, not trying to live up to anyone's terribly high expectations-most particularly his own. for all the harm a lot of people blame him for, there are a million wonderful things he's done--inspired people to read, to write, to educate themselves; to play in bands, to persue art, to watch old films and to chase history; to embrace intellect and glamour, to be unique, to not be afraid of who you are even if you are ill. most importantly, i think his tragedy may well have inspired other people suffering from similar illness(es) to seek help.

anyway knitty, i know this isn't a tribute page or anything, but i just wanted to put this out there. i just wanted to recognize him as a force in my life--a flawed and imperfect man who made all the difference in the world to me when i really needed it. thnx, Richey.


:: Mme. M 10:31 PM [+] ::
...

:: Sunday, February 01, 2004 ::
Happy Richey Day.
well, it's 9 years today. think i'll hole up in my room, out of the cold and just read and relax. not too much to do on a sunday. i was supposed to go with The Queer to his parents' house but he hasn't phoned. don't know what i feel like doing as it is. just wanted to say...happy richey day. or something.
:: Mme. M 12:42 PM [+] ::
...

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?