:: Conjoined Cognition ::

:: Sunday, September 09, 2007 ::

Well Knitty, I think this weekend has convinced me that I should find a way to get back on the meds. I don't think I realized how bad I feel about things because I don't have to really interact with too many people on a daily basis. At least not with people who really know me. The fact is, I don't have any passion for anything because I don't feel like anything matters. When's the last time I rode in your car and wasn't thrusting cds at you left and right? I guess I'm not too upset about my Archos because I don't really feel like listening to music anymore. That's pretty bad. I could just wait and say, "oh, there's a lot going on right now, ride it out" however I don't think it's wise.

The only time I didn't feel like I had a two ton concrete slab sitting on my chest all weekend was when I was drunk. It's pretty bad when I can't even force out the words to talk to you of all people. I feel like I have a lump the size of a baseball lodged in my throat at all times. There's this constant terrible numbness pervading everything with an underlying throb of steady pain and it's really awful.

So I'm going to look into getting into Western Psych and see if I can't get a therapist and some meds, hopefully for free. I was on their website at Mom and Dad's this morning. It's a little confusing but I'll handle it. I don't want to go back 5 years, I know that much. I think it's good that I know how to catch the signs/patterns now. Don't worry about me or anything. A week on Effexor and I'll be my jolly happy self again :)

It's just a matter of getting there, ugh.
:: Mme. M 8:17 PM [+] ::
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Also, can you fix this so we can access the archives? I dunno how to do it.
:: Mme. M 1:16 PM [+] ::
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Ho Ho! Look who's back? Shit, things have really changed in the past two years. I think we really ought to go back to this, it was a pretty great idea.

So I'll see if you somehow stumble across this and all. Maybe I'll just give you a few days then tell you.

Things with Kat are...getting better. We're talking at least. I was feeling tons better then I fucked up and went to her LJ and spent last night hammered and crying at her. She wants to call and I say no. I'm so totally not ready for that. I'm waiting for an email from her now. At least we're not angry with each other any more, but it looks like we're friends only from here on out, which hurts even though it's for the very very best. Mary gave me a few xanax today because I cried in her car when we went to a book store at lunch. Man, I suck. I was fiiiine til I read her post and saw a picture of her with blond hair. She looks so goddamned beautiful.

Oh well. I'ma listen to some Strokes and just relax. Xanax sure is nice.

Love you, hope you catch on and come back soon.

xxxx
:: Mme. M 8:36 PM [+] ::
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Oi! Sister!

HAHAHA! Betcha thought I'd forgotten about this, eh? No way. How cool it is now to look back at our few sparse entries. I am happily Junkie-Free and you are back in school and kickin' ass. Lets write some more, yah?

Kisses!

Knitty
:: jennetic 11:33 PM [+] ::
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phooooo....here i am again. it's been forever. i think i'll just keep quite and see how long it takes you, my knitty seeeester, to stumble across this.

had a bit of a panic today--after having given The Stalker my e-mail addy, i realized my mistake--if he so chose he could easily google it and find his way to my Z/O blog. don't want that now, do we?

FUUUUUUUCK NO!

so i deleted 42 farkin pages and archived it here. there is no way in HELL i want him to see any of that. esp. after this weekend, when drunk as hell we were talking about blogs and i mentioned that i have a few of them. he got all freaked and asked me if i talked about him. of course i lied. and why not? no one even calls him by the name i call him. no last names. no nothing. so i freaked out today when i realized my mistake as far as the email and deleted the whole fecking thing. whooooo. close call. not that he'd actually do that. i don't think. but one can't be too safe. ever.

so i'm going to posting at the above address again, i guess. it feels much safer to me. and really, i sort of feel like hiding for a while anyhow.

sorry about yr steelers, crank. i know how much the game meant to you. i wish i'd been awake to take yr call. there's always next year, eh?

well, i guess i'm off for now. love you, knitty one.

xoxoxo

:: Mme. M 8:45 PM [+] ::
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jesus fucking christ.

so, last night the stalker calls and i'm ready to lay into him when he starts about do i want him to be my boyfriend, how he wants me to be his girlfriend,blah blah blah, please get over here because i need to see you. and what do i do? one guess. i go.

yes, i am officially spineless. and curious. what the hell was all this about? three days ago he was drunk and reassuring me that we aren't boyfriends and girlfriend. now he's telling me he needs me to be more than his friend and holding on to me so tightly i can't breathe.

when he finally fell asleep i had a lot to think about. well fuck, i want to write more but i REALLY need to get a nap in before work tonight. just...wish me luck, knitty. i don't know if he's 4real or not. and of course i want him to be. of course. blag. more soon. love you.
:: Mme. M 4:12 PM [+] ::
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SEESTER!!!

Hey Drella! Chirst, its good to hear from you blogwise. Maybe one of these days the Mac will act right and you'll be able to hop online from home, eh?

Its funny but it's been months since we wrote, and I'm still too sore about it to go much into it. I was re-reading our last entries, and, well, it was all so awful and icky. I'm glad it was all posted here, it's a good reminder for me.

It is late, and I need to go to bed. I am still thinking about the handsome dazzling Spy Guy (well, he's not exactly a spy, but he is a Federal Agent so that's what I'm going to call him). Diversions, diversions, but such a GREAT diversion! Love it!!

I hope we can pick up our blog again soon! :)

Much love,

Knitty.
:: jennetic 11:39 PM [+] ::
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